To: Weber County Forum
Date: October 25, 2005
I would like to announce a new and revolutionary mode of mass transit that will not only solve the transportation problem in Ogden but will revolutionize the whole industry. This incredible new idea will finally put Ogden on the map and make us famous the world over. People will flock to our College and surely make it a World Famous University (WFU) with a fabulous football team. Companies from all over the world will rush to Ogden and our real estate values will sky rocket. Every current Ogden property owner will reap millions in the escalation of their property values as every clear thinking investor and future home owner on the globe will be hungering to own property here. The supply and demand equation will kick in and the demand side will be off the charts. Rich people from New York will be competing to send their kids to our WFU because we will be the only place in the world to have such a revolutionary system AND a world class restaurant named Roosters. The WFU will start a fabulous new course in this method and we will send out missionaries around the world to teach our exclusive techniques of people movement to the masses. Unimaginable wealth will pour into our city and our property taxes will become property rebates instead. Our city government will actually give us money instead of taking it!
The method will be known as the SLING and SLIDE Yokel Mass Transit System or SASYMASTS for short. The details are proprietary of course but a brief overview is as follows:
The "Slide" portion will be the easiest. (Think the "Matterhorn at Disney") It will consist of shoots or sluices running from the WFU terminal, located at the Football stadium, down to Harrison, then north to 25th street. From there it will run west to Washington where it will have a very thrilling hard right banked turn which will take the passenger to the first exit at the new Matt Godfrey Mall (MGM). At the MGM there will be an extraction device that will be similar to the old mail hooks that snagged the mail from stationary poles unto fast moving trains. It will be in reverse of course as the passenger will be in motion and the hook will be stationary. There will be shock absorbing devices built into the system so that the passengers will not undergo more than a 6G force upon extraction.
From the MGM the special built SASYMASTS cars will proceed on to 23rd where they will take another high speed turn, only this time to the left, and on to the terminal at the Intermodal HUB where it will be stopped by a large pool of water. The over all experience will be similar to the Log ride at Knotts only better and longer. It will be quite exhilarating and the world wide word of mouth will be all the advertising necessary to make it a resounding success.
The more difficult part from an engineering point will be the SLING portion of the SASYMASTS. It will also be the most exciting part. However, it will paradoxically be the least expensive to construct. The initial point of entry will consist of a special launch pads for each destination where the passenger will stand. The destination choices will be the MGM, the WFU Stadium (starting point for the Slide portion), and Malan’s Basin or Snow Basin (in spite of what Earl Holding wants) Additional locations will be added as the certain to come demand demands. This will be a distinct improvement over the antiquated notion of the old fashioned gondola movement.
The passenger will be hooked up to the launch device by a leather patch similar to, but larger than the pouch one finds in the classic sling shot. This patch will in turn be attached to very large rubber bands that will extend out and be anchored to high metal poles. The passenger will then be lifted up and moved back a calculated distance by two underprivileged, but now employed, Ogden minorities. At the right moment the passenger will be released and "slung" toward his destination - be it the MGM, the WFU, or either basin. The "flight" will be exhilarating to say the least, and will have the added bonus of instilling life long memories. At the destination end of this revolutionary new transportation system will be large nets to "catch and release" the passenger and send them onto class or slope.
There obviously will be some engineering difficulties to overcome and it is anticipated that we may suffer numerous casualties until we can perfect the complicated calculations to account for the different wind, weather and weight factors we will encounter. We do not anticipate this to be overly problematic however as we have a very large population of poor and ethnic inhabitants to draw from for "volunteers" to use as test subjects. Their sacrifice for the greater good will be appreciated by the community and we will memorialize them by putting their names in small letters on the the large rubber bands and leather pouches. Some consideration will also be given to placing small photos of them on the roofs to be overflown for motivational purposes for future test subjects.
There are a few details to be worked out but we have full assurances from the Mayor and City Council that the plan is feasible and they are very excited to push forward with full scale development at the earliest possible time. Because of the revolutionary nature of this new system, the administration has deemed it unnecessary to entertain any public input and they have appointed Bishop Reid to be the administrator at an annual salary of $1,650,000.00 per year retroactively to 2001 when this wonderful idea first appeared to the Mayor in one of his classic mushroom dreams. In addition Stu will receive a generous signing, and resigning, bonus and will not actually be required to spend any of his valuable time being involved. This will allow him to pursue the numerous offers he receives daily from private companies all over the world.
At this time there will not be any private investment allowed as the city tax-payers will be picking up the development costs and Bishop Reid’s advance salary requirements.
From our now rich and famous Ogden family to yours, we wish you very happy...
"Slinging and Sliding"
